Some Thoughts on Pain

It has come to my attention that I don't know how it feels not to be in pain. I am not writing this to complain about my life because I know it could be much worse. I don't have an incurable disease and my pain does not completely inhibit me from participating in life, but it is there all the time.

I started this relationship with pain when I was 16 and dancing as many hours as I could in a day. The pain was only really apparent when I was dancing so I chose to ignore it and continue to work my ass off. Gradually it became more unbearable and I began to medicate with advil at night to take down the inflammation in my hips and back.

For the past two years I have been experiencing chronic back pain. Chronic pain has its own separate category. Chronic pain follows you around daily never leaving your side. Some days I can almost ignore it and other days it has me curled up in the fetal position with tears streaming down my face begging for mercy. I can't take drugs for it because they destroy my digestive track so I have had to learn to manage it. This chronic situation prevents me from walking long distances, standing for periods of time and dancing every day the way I would like. That said I do walk sometimes and dance as much as my back allows me so it isn't completely debilitating.

I just wish I knew what it was like to wake up feeling good. I wish I could stand and walk across the room without feeling discomfort, and of course I wish I could do some walkovers and huge back bends. How would I feel if I didn't feel pain. What if I could take my common excuse, "oh, I can't because of my back" out of my vocabulary?

Life would be beautiful for sure but there is something I have learned from all this agony. I have learned to appreciate and live in the moment. When I'm in pain I approach it as a challenge, something to overcome. I take a bath or lay in bed reading and try to appreciate the moment for everything that it is both good and bad. Chronic pain is part of my life and although I am occasionally overwhelmed, I have come to accept this.

The biggest thing that chronic pain has changed for me is the way I approach dance. I used to take it for granted and push my body towards perfection every single day despite what injuries were acting up, but these days I am so grateful for every plie and develope. When I dance I move like it is my last day dancing and I do it for me. I do it for the little girl that wanted so badly to be a ballerina. Every time I dance, I dance for her.